Carey Says Ums

I have no clue what to write these days. I'm writing everywhere else -- at work, on blogs and in songs. But here? I'm having a writer's block for sarcasm. Why? Sarcasma . . .

Let's face it, with these fake drugs running through my system, I'll never be able to get-snarky-wit'-it again. But I'll always have my blind humour. That's what counts, I guess.

Last night I slept.

This body's a ticking time bomb. My mind's fooled by short meditations. My emotions feast on satire. My body takes on the stress of a brother's nightmare that keeps me up all night, every night.

Anger causes rosacea to spring from my cheeks and nose. Desperation makes a stomach swell. My eyes weaken and my jaw gains superhuman strength. My muscles shorten through longer days.

I'm 30, but from the looks of it I'm stalking a life near 90 (I'm sorry to you 90-year olds.). Stress is a powerful toxicity. I'm drunk from its cytokines, homocysteines, cortisols and norepinephrines.

 But today I'm up.

My 11-year old self could kick my 29-year old self's ass.  Right now, my shoulders ache from carrying 10lbs of grapefruits, 3lbs of celery and 3lbs of almonds from Costco to home. 

The summer of 1989, I hike 130 miles through New Mexico.   One jaunt is a shimmy up Baldy Mountain.  Going from 9,000 to 12,221 feet, I challenge myself with 40lbs of gear on my back.

Now, eighteen years later, I still try to do healthy, challenging things . . . like eating right.;) Today's 16-pound load painfully hints that I'm no longer a fit young guy. Here comes 30.

According to the horn-honking that fills the street below, I can safely assume that everyone is stressed to the max. The local news is breaking wind about how it takes seventy percent of a household income to maintain a mortgage. Lise just complained to someone about her hideous workload only to hear a complaint about another’s own hideous workload. A local company seeking “canvassers for cerebral palsy” rather than "canvassers to raise funds for cerebral palsy research" reminds me of how easy it is to write well; but, why is finding work so hard?

Life is difficult. Long before Dr. M. Scott Peck walked me down The Road Less Traveled, I knew this to be true; however, nearly thirty years after his "new psychology" hit the shelves, another book of quip-fixes, Elaine St James' Simplify Your Life: 100 Ways to Slow Down and Enjoy the Things That Really Matter, sends me spiralling off into 100 directions to do more—more thinking, more yoga, more seminars and more exercises--in order to simplify my life. Where does that leave me? According to self-help media sales and forecasts, I’m still searching for simplicity.

Whether it’s while browsing self-help bookshelves for a spine or while, decades after first publication, listening to the umpteenth audio spin-off of The Power of Now, I continue frantically foraging for a quick fix or something simple to add to an already crowded life. Juggling career goals, life and an unrealistic aspiration of one-day being just like those publicized “enlightened beings” in the book jackets, puff pieces and daily news, simplicity is lost and is ultimately unattainable. The resulting feeling of defeat leads me to do more searching.

Impatient drivers laying on horns, a real estate market too good for anyone and overworked employees aren't leading to happiness.  Scrutinizing job ads and reading the latest self-help book isn't going to help me find inner-peace.  Right now, my information super-highway is backed up and a semblance of sanity is choking on exhaust fumes. If I don’t cut the engine right here and now, I'll run out of steam.  Here’s what I’m going to do: stop, turn everything off and do absolutely nothing for a while. Simple, isn't it?  Do you care to join me?

For $500, a local day spa promises relaxation and rejuvenation with a four-hour retreat.  But sadly, you've already surpassed your credit limit with the latest yoga wear. How in the world are you going to afford inner-peace?  Eckhart Tolle, author of The Power of Now, sat on a park bench to "find joy and fulfillment in the present moment."  Now, thanks to the rising cost of living, you can, too.

For tranquility without losing your fififruity trousers, here is Vancouver’s timeless no-cost solution to the stressed-out and penniless peace-seeker in you: Banc du Parc. This unique urban oasis is perched on a piece of paradise, atop the lap of luxury and existing by the sheer power of every other possible cliché that you can think of to denote extraordinary beauty and classy elegance.

Stepping from a meandering city path to enter the lush landscape of this one-of-a-kind urban oasis, you are welcomed by fragrant botanicals of healing horticulture and sea-salted breezes of rejuvenation. You are gently cradled by Chinese medicine elements of wood and metal. You sit and wait for it all to begin, but your elevating experience is already here to wait on you hand and foot.

An arboreal attendant bends forward to greet you with green-leaf extract and goes out on a limb to empathize with your knots, waving them away with sleight-of-foliage magic. This happy lil' tree stays with you, steady and rooted in the healing traditions of ancient times. Filtered sunlight and sea salted air stir through its branches to bring soft, graceful kisses to wrinkle-diminishing expressions.

Present, you are lulled by rustling leaves, soaring seagulls overhead and sparkling water that floods the horizon. Your mind empties and opens to recognize the persons, places and things suggested by morphing Rorschachian clouds. Your body unwinds and unlocks its own age-defying nature. Grains of sand exfoliate your bare feet while winds whisper sweet-nothings to your soul.

The menu for this special day is filled with options like a salt glow bath, open-air oxygen therapy and, according to Oga Nabosi of The Weather Network, there's hope for a vichi shower. You passively make your selections, sit back and continue to enjoy such an enlightening experience. Soon, a sun-kissed glow emanates from your freshly treated physique. Your mind is eased by the passing of time and attention is on present moment bliss.  A light shower brings goose bumps to your spirit.

At Banc du Parc you never wait for an appointment and you're welcome to stay for as long as you wish. Banc du Parc allows you to fully realize a level of transformation that beauty salons and nail bars only dream of capitalizing on. This renewal makes enlightened guys like Eckhart Tolle giddy with present-moment joy. Banc du Parc: be here now, because indoor day spas are so 2006.